Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Marvin

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Monday, November 29, 2010

A Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Rough Year


But not everyone is as lucky as I am...

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at Burger King, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Famous Quotes

"I'm convinced that today the majority of Americans want what those first Americans wanted: a better life for themselves and their children; a minimum of government authority.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Accident

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.”

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Deal

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a 'C' to a 'B' average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Holiday Hop

Jackie over at The Painted Veil is doing a blog hop (holiday-hop). I've not done one in some time so why not.

What happens in a blog hop is if you enter your link on my site your link will show up on everyone that is participating in this blog hop. So go ahead and enter your link.

When I Grow Up

I found this over at Hillybilly Willy's place and just had to repost it here.

It just cracked me up.

What will I be when I grow up?

Perhaps the Ballerina.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Martha or Maxine

Martha Way#1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Maxine's Way #1: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha’s Way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Truths - Part II

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Truths - Part I

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

St. Peter

Three men approached the pearly gates for entrance into heaven:

The first man stepped forward feeling confident all the things he’d done for the world would gain him passage into paradise.

St Peter asked. “Who might you be, and what have you done for humanity, and your country..ah you’re an American?”

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Forester vs Lawyer

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Do You Remember

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Joys of Womanhood

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

10 Reasons

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Road Rage

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Happy Veterans Day

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Y'all know who ya are!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Sure Cure

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I was Born...

In 1951. The world was a different place. A friend sent me the link at the very bottom of this post, so if you want to know some of the things that happened the year you were born then give it a go. Thanks Dr. Vern B.

There was no Google yet. Or Yahoo.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Murphy

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Golf!

A man is watching a game of golf on TV.

But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Sunday School

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Friday, November 5, 2010

JoeOnTheMove

You can make a difference to some lonely G.I. overseas. Please help. It won’t cost you anything but a few minutes of your time.

Free Phone Calls & Internet for Deployed Troops are causes led by JoeOnTheMove to provide comfort and increase moral of U.S. troops deployed overseas. This helps to ease the worry & fear of families & loved ones here in the United States. Currently there are over 200,000 U.S. Service-Members deployed & fighting in countries around the world. Suicide & divorce within military families are at an all time high.

The First


One ardent couple paused their passion long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too-- I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Life Explained

In mathematics and computer science, graph theory is the study of graphs, which are mathematical structures used to model pairwise relations between objects. A "graph" in this context is made up of "vertices" or "nodes" and lines called edges that connect them. A graph may be undirected, meaning that there is no distinction between the two vertices associated with each edge, or its edges may be directed from one vertex to another; see graph (mathematics) for more detailed definitions and for other variations in the types of graph that are commonly considered. Graphs are one of the prime objects of study in discrete mathematics. Source: Wikipedia

Happy Birthday

Two very nice folks are having a birthday today. First there is my great buddy Empress Bee from Muffin53. She doesn't like a fuss, but she loves comments. She also loves cake and big cruise ships.

Second is Renny from RennyBA's Terella. Renny hails from Norway and travels a great deal. He also shares some of the yummiest food out there. He is very proud of his Norway and you can sense that in his posts.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Life Explained

In mathematics and computer science, graph theory is the study of graphs, which are mathematical structures used to model pairwise relations between objects. A "graph" in this context is made up of "vertices" or "nodes" and lines called edges that connect them. A graph may be undirected, meaning that there is no distinction between the two vertices associated with each edge, or its edges may be directed from one vertex to another; see graph (mathematics) for more detailed definitions and for other variations in the types of graph that are commonly considered. Graphs are one of the prime objects of study in discrete mathematics. Source: Wikipedia

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Modern Day Sayings

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Genie

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'